Conceal, Don't Feel, But The Scars Still Show
by sophiesaurus1
Summary: ONESHOT: Shut away in her room for so long, Elsa had become accustomed to a strange twist in the well meaning words of her parents, and sometimes, not even the love of your sister can overcome that. {{Trigger warning for self harm & descriptions of gore.}}


**A/N:  
**Let me just start this by saying this fic has been a long time coming, and I thoroughly hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
Secondly, I need to give a massive thank you to LaraAleric for being a fantastic beta and editor and pretty much fixing up all the problems that I caused in my haste to finish this! So, thank you for everything.

Anyway, that's all I've got to say.  
Please leave a review and let me know you thought!

-Sophie.

* * *

_Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know._

That's what Elsa lived by: Strict living standards enforced (for her own safety, mind you) by her parents. They meant well, truly they did, but they could not see the damage isolation held upon a young, innocent mind.

Those secluded from others will begin to feel there's something wrong with them – In Elsa's case, she _knew_ there was something wrong with her. She was different. An unsafe kind of different that warranted her being trapped away in that room.

She knew others things, too - That she was _wrong_. Her condition was _wrong_. But most importantly, she knew that her parents were _right.  
_  
_Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know._

It had been told to her a million times over, like a broken record. Slowly, Elsa had accepted it as her fate; the road in life she had to take. Hide it all, feel nothing, and tell not a single soul or else be treated as the monster she truly was… Or moreover, what she _thought_ she was.

The phrases had been meant well at first. But over those years, the words had twisted and grown with her – their meanings stretched from their original selves, the innocence precipitating away gradually like the melting of snow as the winter turns to spring, taking on a much sinister form.

Elsa knew not of the darkness that had come to surround her. She was numb.

Years of bottling her feelings had done the trick and her vision of normality was slightly askew. The only happiness she had ever truly felt was when Anna attempted to get her to come outside, only to be dashed away by the disapproval of her parents. It seemed –or, well, Elsa had concluded – that the short-lived happiness caused by Anna and the consequently flurry of ice that followed had caused her parents to disallow Anna any communication with Elsa. As a result and from that day forward, Elsa was alone.

Perhaps, that was the way it was supposed to be.

_Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know._

Trails of red dripped to the floor followed by a metallic clang. Elsa hissed under her breath as pain raced through her frozen veins and the warmth of blood flushed through them. She had dropped her small blade to the ground, the blood that had decorated it splattering across the floor, now cold. Elsa stared at her wrist. Lines of red and faded scars drew patterns of dainty snowflakes across her pale skin, extending down half her forearm, many still fresh and unhealed.

Tentatively, she ran her cold finger across the scarring flesh and shivered at her own touch. The ones that bled were sore and angry and hot but the ones that had healed burned coldly like the rest of her. It was a less-than-gentle reminder that no matter what she did, all warmth she could feel would one day disappear.

Elsa sat on her bed, looking to the floor. The blood there had all but frozen now, another constant reminder, another dagger in her side.

She leaned down and picked up her blade again.

_Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know_

Hours passed. Elsa lay on her bed, arm outstretched, bloodied and scabbed. Flecks of ice flexed at the cut's edges where they cooled the harsh pain, much to Elsa's disdain. The blood hadn't ran too far before it congealed, so she saw no point in washing it off. Instead, she grabbed her gloves and slipped them on, muttering curses as the material grated against the loose skin.

Flexing her hands, she nodded. "Conceal," she muttered to herself, running her thumb along the fabric with an odd sense of pride.

There was a knock at her door.

"Elsa, it's time for dinner soon," her father said, his voice muffled through the door. She heard the door handle being twisted and panicked.

"N-no, don't come in!" she cried, "I'm just getting changed, Father, I'll be in the dining room momentarily!"

She heard a grunt of approval and then footsteps, indicating he had accepted her answer and left her to peace. Dejectedly, Elsa flopped on her bed and sighed. Her arm ached, her head spun, and now she was expected to attend dinner with her parents, which by no means would be a pleasant experience. It seemed her day was only going to get worse – Not like anyone cared.

She sat up, rubbing her eyes and coming to a stand as she did. She flattened her dress and straightened her posture; standing as a 'proper' princess would, Monotonously, repeating her infamous phrase a couple times over until it just became nonsensical. Then with a final exhale, she made her way to the door.

It creaked open. The sound echoed around the vast hallway, indicating its emptiness, which to Elsa was unsurprising as always. The lavish furnishings had long ago been removed from this side of the castle, in fear that a sudden outrage of ice could ruin them.

Elsa peered around the door and then stepped out, her eyes scanning for threats or danger, but she was quickly reminded that she was the person_ everyone else_ was being protected from - which in itself evoked a deeper fear. It was stupid, she thought, that she couldn't seem to even step outside her bedroom without crippling anxiety of what might be around the corner-

"ELSA!" A voice cried. Before she could react, a flurry of red hair and bright clothing engulfed Elsa in a bear hug. The person felt warm and close, something she had learned not to expect from others. The hug had an almost instantaneously calming effect on Elsa and she managed to return it for a second, before her anxiety levels quickly shot back up; it took all her might to not inflict ice spikes upon her surroundings.

Elsa huffed out a breath and pressed down the creases of her clothes before she addressed her visitor, who now stood staring at her incredulously. "Anna, why are you here?" she asked quietly, as to not draw attention. "You know what Mother and Father will do if they find you."

Anna pouted slightly, "I just missed you Elsa…Aren't you happy to see me?" she asked, adding a little stomp of her foot for effect.

Elsa's lips drew to a line, her fists clenched defensively. "No – I mean yes! Of course I am, Anna. It's just we are not allowed to be seen together."

Anna chuckled, swatting her hand dismissively. "Don't you worry," she whispered as she crept closer and gently slid her hands over Elsa's wrists to hold them, her thumb drawing circles on the fabric of Elsa's glove. "It can be our little secret."

Though the younger woman sounded confident, there was desperation in her voice – an ache for Elsa to agree so that they could be 'normal' again, whatever 'normal' was.

Elsa stared at Anna. She swallowed down the flash of pain caused from Anna's grip around her wrist and the cuts that lay beneath; they tempted her to writhe with pain. She had spent her life holding in emotion – physical urges were a lot harder, it seemed.

On the topic of urges, Elsa felt something in Anna's touch. It was less…innocent, than she had expected, which confused and only added to the growing list of predicaments Elsa could see before her.

She had been momentarily lost in Anna's excitement because maybe, yes they could have seen each other in secret, but on the other hand, no, they couldn't. Elsa knew her power – and the danger that came with it– and she couldn't bear to hurt Anna or even to take the chance. Slowly, her eyes fell to look at her hands.

Destruction was a mere emotion away.

_Conceal, don't feel. Don't let her know._

"No Anna." Elsa said suddenly. Her voice was soft but venomous. "We can't have 'our little secret'."  
She watched with guilt as Anna's face dropped, but still she continued, "We can't have anything, ever. Now leave before Father comes back and sees you."

Anna's bottom lip trembled and her face contorted into what could only be described as heartbreak. Her grip on Elsa's wrists did not falter, nor did she make any sudden movements. Simply , she stood there, staring at Elsa incredulously.

"Just go!" Elsa whispered fiercely, making a gesture with her head.

Anna shook her head. "No," she mumbled defiantly.

"Anna!" Elsa growled, tugging her wrists back, restraining the hiss of pain as her sister's tight grip pulled against her gloves and bloodied wrists.

Anna stirred at this action. As a repercussion, her arms pulled Elsa back towards her, who stumbled at the unexpected force. They remained in this power struggle for a few moments, only hesitated by the loosening of the glove on Elsa's left hand.

Elsa felt her control slipping away with the material. She could feel the icicles in her fingertips like the stinging of a bee, as well as the overwhelming force of anger, sadness and exhaustion that was leading her to an untimely eruption.

Anna, unfortunately, was oblivious.

With one final tug the glove fell free from Elsa's hand and came to be held tightly in Anna's fist. Hastily, Elsa jumped back into her room and slammed the door, leaning against it and slowly sliding down until she sat on the floor, near hysterical from the sudden turn of events. Anna cried out a grunt of what could have been anger and kicked the door hard, but the action was followed by a whimper, then a sob.

"Elsa, just let me in," came the gentle cry.

Elsa shut her eyes tightly, trying to withhold herself, but she knew failure was inevitable. She ripped off the other glove and chucked it across the room, defeated, and with an attitude all too submissive for someone like herself, Elsa allowed her powers to culminate. Ice, an unfamiliar red colour, crept up the door and onto the surrounding floor whilst Elsa sighed, a single tear rolling down her cheek. All she could think about what how badly she had fucked up and how close her blade was (much to her dismay, it was on her bed, a few metres away).

On the other side of the door, Anna watched with enthrallment and fear as the strange substance crept up the door she was unable to open. Touching it with a finger, she frowned in puzzlement. "…Ice?"

Scraping some of it into her hand to let it melt, her eyes slowly widened and her jaw became slack. As the ice turned to water and left a red liquid behind, Anna could only look at it in horror; just to confirm her worse fears, she brought it to her nose. The iron-like smell was enough to make her gag and instantly she shook her hand to rid herself of it.

It was most definitely blood

Ice blood ( or was it bloody ice?) …

Anna shivered with unease and confusion. Without another thought, she took to banging on the door wildly. She screamed Elsa's name to the heavens, trying to force her way in, but by now, the ice had all but sealed the door shut.

Unbeknownst to Anna, Elsa was still crouched on the other side of the door. She had reclaimed her knife and scuttled back to the corner where the door resided, The number of carefully carved cuts increasing rapidly, as well as the blood trails that followed. With every intricate slice of her skin, Elsa could feel herself unwind a little further. It was like the feel of the blade against her skin repressed the feeling of abhorrence that shadowed her every move.

The tingling of her skin stopped and slowly, the intensity of the ice depleted.

Consequently, the ice on the door behind Elsa cracked and shattered with every heaving pound of Anna's fist until finally, it gave way. Anna stumbled in as the door swung open, letting out a sound somewhat comparable to a yelp mixed with a scream. Elsa, still crouched over, was flung to the floor and impacted on its hard surface with a grunt, her new mutilations scraping agonisingly against the cold tiling.

"I'm sorry oh my god. Sorry, I thought you were on your bed. I mean, uh, I didn't think you would be in front of the door, sorry.", as Anna apologised, she ran to Elsa's side and pulled her up, momentarily oblivious to the blade in Elsa's hand and the red trails that marked the floor.

"Anna," Elsa groaned, pushing the younger woman away, "I said stay away."

Recovering her confidence, Anna stepped back towards Elsa. "I'm not losing you again," she said firmly, though her quivering lip betrayed her nerves.

Elsa somewhat admired her resilience by this point, but with the growing fondness came a growing annoyance – Why couldn't Anna leave her to live in solitude as she was supposed to? As she deserved? She concluded it was simply Anna's nature, light hearted but in deep need of an anchor amongst their fractured childhood…

Still, it wasn't reason enough (despite how much Elsa wanted it to be so) to allow Anna to stay, even for a short while. "I'm sorry Anna, but you have to go," Elsa replied sadly.

Anna stamped her foot. "I don't understand why!" she cried, "I know about your ice powers and their danger and I'm completely okay with that. Why can't I just be allowed to see you?!"

Elsa was taken aback by Anna's sudden abrasiveness. It was so unlike her; passionate and intense but also heart shattering, seeing her sister in such a state. Elsa rubbed her hands together anxiously – her patience was beginning to wear thin and she was getting more lightheaded by the second due to the amount of pain seething from her wrists, which were currently hidden from Anna's view. This needed to end.

_Conceal. Don't feel. Don't let them know_

"I'm a danger to you, Anna. I'm a danger to everyone. Now get out of my room and be safe – Live a full happy life without me," Elsa choked out, pointing to the door furiously before immediately recoiling, her fist shut tightly to shield her bare arms.

Anna was silent. She took a deep breath and exhaled it painfully slow, as if she was processing what had been said. Fleetingly, her expression changed – its once dappled anger now nothing but melancholy. She looked at Elsa reluctantly, her sad eyes taking a final look before she admitted defeat.

"Okay, Elsa," she said quietly. "I'll go."

Elsa gave her a sad smile. Feeling it was only fair, she placed a nurturing hand on Anna's shoulder and gave it a squeeze, forgetting her pain so she could say her farewell. "It's for your own good Anna, you'll realise that soon enough."

But Anna neglected to listen - Elsa's touch sparked something within her. Her sister had willingly reached out to her for the first time in god knows how long. Sure, Elsa's hands were cold but the simple gesture created such profound warmth within Anna that she could just barely stifle her excitement, ignoring the fact that it was a gesture of goodbye and not one of rekindled sisterhood.

Then the moment passed as Elsa's hand sat awkwardly, uncertain of what to do, and Anna found herself at a loss. The warm glow that had been there had all but disappeared and the cold of Elsa's grip just felt like dampness. Like… literal dampness.

Anna shifted uncomfortably and looked to her shoulder. She halted with a gasp as she felt something seeping through her clothing and a saw red stain beginning to flush through the fabric. She looked at it, its deep red colour only confirming her fear-stricken suspicions that had begun minutes prior whilst she was still behind the door.

"You're bleeding," she stated.

Elsa scowled. "What?" she asked, almost sounding offended. "Of course I'm not. Stop trying to make excuses to stay here."

Anna shook her head and sighed. "I can literally see your arm and it's bleeding Elsa." Before Elsa could retract, before she could even curse to herself for her negligence, Anna had grabbed Elsa's arm and held it, wrist facing upwards, cuts and scars revealed for the first time.

There was a small silence as Anna simply stared at Elsa's exposed arm, her breathing heavy, mouth agape.

"Oh Elsa," she gasped, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. "What is this? Why would you do this to yourself?" Anna was suddenly half-hysterical and the shudder in her voice hurt Elsa worse than any of the many cuts that littered her wrists. The sting of her sliced skin was no competition to the way her stomach dropped when Anna craned her head and solemnly kissed the angered flesh, nor could it compare to the feel of Anna's tears as they dripped onto said skin and left trails that fused with the congealing blood, turning the salt water red.

"Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know," Elsa whispered as she nodded her head adamantly. Yes, that is what she knew, and it was always right. But this? Anna's reaction told her it was oh-so wrong.

"No," Anna sobbed, "No please. Elsa, that isn't right. Tell me Mother and Father didn't say that?"

Her lips thinned into a line.

"Oh my god," Anna whimpered, pulling Elsa into a hug.

Elsa tensed, not used to the feeling of hugs, or affectionate embraces at all, for that matter. Her heart raced at the very implication of letting Anna do this to her and yet she couldn't bring herself to tear away. Hesitantly, her arms dropped to her sides and she let Anna hold her for a few minutes as the younger sister sobbed into her shoulder and repeated soft murmurs of "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Anna, don't worry," Elsa said softly, forcing out the lie that followed "I'm fine."

Anna pulled back from the hug (to Elsa's dismay) and wipe her tears on the back on her hand carefully, her eyes not moving away from Elsa as she did. "Come on," she snivelled, disregarding Elsa's obvious mistruth. "Let's get you cleaned up." She put her arm around the blonde and guided her to the adjoining bathroom and without any warnings or apparent discomfort from Elsa, she took a damp cloth and wiped at Elsa's bloody wrists gently.

It was an odd thing, Elsa thought, that her sister who seemed angry and betrayed was now showing an unbelievable compassion without so much as a falter. How in one moment of revealing and its consequential shock, Anna had turned around completely and had almost become herself again, caring and kind.

Anna paused as Elsa breathed in sharply. "What's wrong?" she asked softly, placing the bloodied cloth back on the counter she had claimed it from.

Through gritted teeth, Elsa mumbled, "It just stings."

Anna nodded in understanding, and silence fell between the two. It wasn't awkward per say, though it was heavy, causing Anna fidget for a moment before she got up and sought out some bandages. Elsa sat and stared aimlessly at her cleaned skin. Studiously, she traced her eyes along the patterns the scars and cuts made – They were oddly pretty against her ghostly pale skin and she couldn't help feel as if they belonged there, as if they were an extension of herself and her curse; one she could control, for that matter.

_Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know_

Elsa thought about the phrase. Concealing didn't work, and she was definitely feeling something …as for not letting anyone know? That had blown up completely in her face... and surprisingly, she was okay with it. The lack of control she felt was exhilarating (though still fearful) and she couldn't find explanation for it.

At that point, Anna returned, bandages in hand. "Gee," she sighed, "I'm surprised dad hasn't checked on you yet."

Elsa blinked a couple times, jumping back to reality unexpectedly. "They often assume I'm not going to show up…So they've probably started without me."

Anna grimaced. "That's not fair."

"Well, life isn't fair sometimes," Elsa countered as she held out her arm whilst Anna began to bandage it. She grunted a little as the first layers were wound around her arms; the pressure of it causing the numbed pain to flare up, but it soon subsided and was replaced with a pleasant feel of togetherness.

"If it were me, I'd wait for you…" Anna mumbled absently as she wrapped the material, her brow creased with focus.

Elsa gave a sad smile, for she knew Anna had already done her waiting. Anna had been there always.

It was then that Elsa realised why this lack of control was okay. Her secret was unveiled and Anna hadn't backed down – Of course, she then had no choice but to let Anna fall into place.

It was Anna.

Purely, simply, and truly it was. Elsa knew she had sent her sister away but the resilience and odd affection she felt was her mind telling her to drop the guard she had held for so long. She fought it because, of course, it was expected of her. Unfortunately, her parents' influence couldn't stop feeling the feelings that now flowed through her; rejuvenated her, even.

"Thank you, Anna." Elsa said quietly.

Anna blushed a little, the smallest crevice of a smile appearing on her face, but she said nothing, instead staying focused on the bandage that she was now tying up, so that they wouldn't unravel. She was happy (to say the least) that Elsa had let her in as quickly as she had, considering the circumstances. Furthermore, she was overjoyed simply to hear her name being said by her sister, because it just sounded so right after all those years of nothing.

Anna's hands caressed Elsa's gently. They both stared at Elsa's now bandaged wrists, neither mentioning the growing atmosphere of hope that had filled the room. Once more, Anna craned her neck down to the space where Elsa's cuts would've been and kissed it gently.

Elsa smiled adoringly at this. "It's so strange how everything feels so normal after all these years," she admitted quietly.

Anna nodded. "It sure is."

Their hands clasped each other's gently, fingers interlocked effortlessly. It was true what Elsa said – the strangeness that emanated the entire situation befuddled them both. Yet, neither of them wanted admit their reconciliation had been rushed, by any means.

Elsa swallowed hard. "I think that… when you have a connection with someone, it never really goes away." She looked into Anna's eyes. "You go straight back to being important to each other because you still are."

Anna smiled shyly. "You really think that?"

Elsa nodded, then kissed Anna's forehead. "I do."

Simultaneously, they stood and exited into Elsa's bedroom where they sat together on Elsa's bed and chatted mindlessly. Time itself seemed to stop whilst in the other's presence for it was so captivating to have them back.

"-And so you see, that's why my ice powers are mostly caused by negativity," Elsa said, concluding a lengthy explanation of her newly christened 'powers' (A name for her 'curse' which she now accepted) as there was a knock on her door.

"Elsa?" her father's voice seemed to boom, despite a door separating him from the two sisters. "What's been taking you so long and who are you talking to?"

Anna and Elsa looked at each other desperately. They gestured wildly at each other before Anna made a move to hide. Unfortunately, without Elsa having protested her father's intrusion, he barged into the room and caught them red-handed. Out of reaction to the fear of her father's anger, Elsa conjured ice spikes that extended from the floor to block his path and it was in this fortunately-placed mishap that Anna attempted to dash from the room to the safety of her own.

"Just go!" Elsa cried, the intensity of the ice only increasing as she realised how her words echoed those said earlier. Those words said in bitterness were now said in protectiveness, and yet a pang of guilt still burned a hole in her heart.

However, Anna seemed to understand. She mouthed a 'Thank you' and gave a hopeful smile before she ran…

Right into the arms of her mother, who had been standing in the doorway watching the scene unfold.

"Anna," she scolded, "what did we tell you?"

Terrified of the repercussion of her actions (of which she cursed her outgoing nature for), Anna's mouth moved up and down a few times before she stammered out a reply. "I don't-…I was just – Elsa needs me."

Her father, now free of the ice spikes, approached Anna from behind, essentially trapping her between the two parents. Quizzically, he raised an eyebrow. "Is that so?" he asked, his voice dry. He was sceptical to say the least and despite Anna's best efforts to appear intimidating, he was unaffected.

"Yes, she does, Father," Anna replied, almost a little too assertively. She tried to push her parents out of the way, but they simply shook their heads and each grabbed one of Anna's arms. They began to drag her out whilst Anna protested; she called for Elsa's assistance, but her older sister simply watched in submission of her fate. To _stop_ herself from fighting Anna had taken great strength, but to fight her parents took a force she was unable to produce. Instead, meek ice crystals fluttered from her fingertips as she gave a hopeless sort of smile and yearned in the secrecy of her heart, swallowing the happiness she had felt only minutes prior.

Anna's cries were heard for a few moments more until they faded following the slamming of a door. Her parents reappeared, apologised for Anna's behaviour, then left once more, locking the door behind them this time.

Elsa sat on her bed and began to sob. Her body racked with each silent cry, so gentle and so pure that the ice failed to conjure. Elsa's hand clasped around her wrist, trying to remember Anna's touch and the happiness it brought, but she was only harshly reminded about the pain she had managed so briefly to forget. The skin that lay behind the tightly wrapped bandage seemed to throb with each thought and it wasn't long until she couldn't stand it.

She unwrapped the gauze and stared at her wrists.

x-x-x

Anna sat in her room, dejected and alone. It was in this moment that she understood how Elsa felt and honestly? It sucked.

Her eyes were red and puffy from crying whilst her bed lay in disarray from the constant tossing and turning of her anger-laden sadness. The single picture of Elsa she owned was on the bed as well – its frame having cracked in a blinded by grief incident to which Anna had whimpered at, realising her only consistent memory had been shattered.

Slowly, she sat up. Her empty curses were finished and her outcries had gone unheard. Truly, it seemed, her parents cared not about Elsa's needs but more about keeping her secluded, and as a consequent, Anna herself had become less than priority.

Anna swallowed the lump of sadness in her throat as she accepted this thought. She, much like the sister she thought she was so different from, was alone.

She walked over to the windowsill and looked out across the kingdom, watching the people milling about in the evening light – Happy and carefree.

Oh how she longed to be like them.

Oh how she wished Elsa could've been saved.

A single draft of unusual winter breeze blew past the window and ice carefully decorated its glass. Anna smiled for she knew it was a sign from Elsa. Yearningly, her finger traced the patterns of the ice but came to a stop only seconds later.

Her hand fell to her side, her mouth opening in a silent scream.

On the pane, a single red snowflake lay.


End file.
